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At the end of the day, however, the gist of his post is this: “It seems to me obvious that the more people you meet, the more likely it is that you will meet and marry someone appropriate.If you really want to meet and marry someone.” want to meet and marry someone” (emphasis mine).*But many other psychologists and psychiatrists agree. Henry Cloud wrote an entire book based on this idea: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.And even if these singles do go out with many, many people, at what point are they choosing a relationship not because the potential partner in question is an excellent match, but because they just want to stop the discomfort of dating? Neuman says, “[Some people] really do not want to get married; they want to maintain a fiction of aspiring to marriage; but it is only a fiction.”I’m not sure exactly what that means, because I’m not sure for whom the fiction is being maintained.
That is, people who would never dream of telling a depressed person to “just try harder,” to pull herself “up by the bootstraps,” or to “just get over it” have no problems telling single people exactly that when it comes to finding a life partner.If their previous experiences with dating haven’t been reinforcing, remind them that it may not necessarily be the dating itself that’s so unpleasant—it may be that they’re uncomfortable with particular aspects of it. What about the people who are avoiding dating because they’ve had bad experiences with marriage?Some people hate meeting strangers for coffee, and others find that walking up to an attractive individual is difficult for them. What changes can they make to reduce the punishing aspects of dating? Remind them that they’re not getting married to anyone they date right out of the gate. Frederic Neumann’s recent post “Why Some People Can’t Find Anyone to Marry.” In it, Dr.Neuman mentions some of the very real challenges faced by people who want a partner, particularly people out of their 20s, who often find that many if not most of the people they’re meeting are already married.
Giving those things up—especially if someone has had bad experiences in the past—can be tough. Next.., a professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, whose research on online dating shows that misconceptions are rampant.